My First Father's Day

I'm confused. I'm proud, but not sure how to feel. I'm an emotional man, but completely out of touch with my emotions since my daughter was taken away from our lives. Today, I should be holding her in my arms. I should be feeding her and tickling her. It should be a weekend of celebration, but in my heart it is far from that. I usually need answers, but quickly realized this was one thing that will never be answered. Why was she taken? It makes no sense. Two loving parents that would have done anything for their child. Now, every little face reminds me of her and what could have been. Every tear I could have wiped away. Every smile I could have captured. Every hug I could have squeezed.

There's 'help' at every corner, "Let me know what I can do for you." I hated hearing these words, but heard it from everyone. I know it was probably hard for them too. What do you say to a parent that has lost a child? You can't tell someone you know what it's like to lose a child unless you have. Usually when my emotions overwhelm me I like my space, but telling people to leave me alone didn't feel right. So, my "thank you" appeased their struggle of what to say, but denied me any type of the same.

I'm usually a happy person. I love to laugh and make others laugh. I don't want to burden people with my story, but I want people to know. I want people to know what I'm going through without having to discuss it.  I want people to know how beautiful my daughter was without asking to see pictures. I just want things to have been different...